Itachi: Man of Many Faces
by Lyhtning
Summary: I’ve always been irked at the way villains have been treated. Everyone always thinks they’re evil, diabolical, arrogant, and bastards. But that’s not true! Who knew Itachi was a romantic?


**Itachi: Man of Many Faces **

**by Sakuranime**

Disclaimer: Honey, you don't need to own Naruto to write about it.

I just HAD to write this…I don't even care about the reviews (YES I DO!). I had to get this out of my system…(smile) I hope this made you laugh until you squirted milk out of your noses! Actually, no, that would've been disgusting!

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I've always been irked at the way villains have been treated. Everyone always thinks they're evil, diabolical, arrogant bastards. But that's not true!

Take me for example. Uchiha Itachi. The Uchiha clan's prodigy. Graduating from the Ninja Academy at age 6, able to use his Sharingan at age 8, and became a Chuunin at the age of 9. I moved on to join the ANBU and became the leader at age 14. Sure, I did kill my best friend, Shisui, who was also my cousin, but only to obtain the Makengyou Sharingan! A good cause!

Alright, I admit I'm power hungry and do enjoy killing…but only for the sake of myself. People may call it evil but I call it justice! Someone has to clean up the trash in the world, right? I should be looked upon as a savior. Instead, the hidden villages label me as an S-rank criminal! Where's the justice in that?

"But you killed the entire Uchiha clan, sparing only one person!" People might say. So what if I killed everyone in my family, save for one? They were evil. E-V-I-L I tell you! How many young kids have to train day after day, through sweat and blood? Huh! No one but me! My bastard of a father pushed me past my limits, _and_ then some. What kind of a father is that? Sure, I do thank him for the power I have today, but still. Back then, I just wanted to be a normal kid. Playing with little toy cars and trains. Playing 'Fight Monsters' with friends. Swimming gaily in the lake. Playing with bubbles during bath time. Pretend I'm Superman or whatever.

NOT practice throwing kunais. NOT decapitating straw figures. NOT getting ready for the Chuunin exams. NOT starting on my first ANBU mission. NOT learning how to defend myself. And my personal favorite, NOT learning how to deal with the Sharingan.

Oh how I wished to be like _normal_ teenagers!

But no, _no_, **_no_**, **_NO_**! We can't allow that! The "fate of the Uchiha clan rests in your hands", Itachi! That's what my father said. You know what I say now? BULL. SHIT.

Of course, I played the obedient, hardworking little boy and continued my training, surpassing every Uchiha! But was _that_ enough! NOPE!

…So one day I got fed up. And, well, you know what happened after that.

Yes, I did spare _little, innocent, _Sasuke. AKA foolish little brother. The question remains: WHY?

Why indeed…I should have killed him that dark, gloomy day. Right? NO! I loved him. In a brotherly way, mind you. Truly, I did! But I did envy him…for his innocence, and the chance at becoming normal. I was burning with jealousy. So the question remains. Why didn't I kill him?

Plain and simple, black and white. He was my brother. Too innocent. The other Uchihas were evil. PURE evil. They were mad. I had to kill them. To rid the world of the tainted Uchihas. No one else knew how diabolical they were, but _I _saw! No, no, they couldn't trick _me_! _I_ was _too_ clever to be fooled!

Back to my brother. I absolutely _adored_ the boy. I wanted to act the part of the wise older brother with all of the tips to getting girls... hoping one day; he'll see the dark side of the family…I wanted to be by his side when he went to the bathroom all by himself, got his first girlfriend, or when he enters the first stages of teen-hood! (Don't want to explain that) But I couldn't because you know what they did next? They banished me from Konoha! There. I said it.

So I did kill my clan. Alright, _mutilated_ my entire clan off the face of the planet! But I was proud to have done so. I cleansed the world of the despicable Uchihas. Now, the only ones living are I, and Sasuke. We would begin anew. Start fresh with no sins. Alas, not everything goes according to plan.

The old coot (Hokage) actually had the nerve (the _nerve_!) to call me a murderer and declared me an S-rank criminal! I should have been given a reward for my wonderful deeds. But _nuh-uh_, they wouldn't have any of that.

It was then that I began my life in the Akatsuki.

At first, I was wandering throughout the other villages, pissed, homeless, and worst of all, penniless. I had to practically survive on instant ramen everyday, looking for a freaking job! I did find a job easily, of course, but that proved to be a fatal mistake.

My job was at a bar in the Grass country. Everything was going smoothly on the first day. I had on the bar's uniform- a red apron with little cute cats on the bottom, a notepad in one hand and a bandana tying my hair. But then, one of the customers had the _nerve_ to touch my ass! And so, red-faced and ready to kill, I did what was logical: kunai-ed his ass to hell _and_ back.

It wasn't _my_ fault that gay bastard couldn't keep his gay hands to himself! It was sexual harassment and I was acting _purely_ on self-defense! But NOOOOO. They fired me.

Once again, I was pissed, homeless, and _still_ penniless. Why did the Gods punish me so! Was it so wrong to want to cleanse the world of evil?

I was about to give up completely on the idea of finding a job when a miracle happened. It was as if the deities answered my prayers. As I was walking away from the bar, still pissed, homeless, and penniless, I saw a flyer. Literally. It smacked me right in the face.

After reading the contents, I was so happy I could've jumped for joy, skip gaily across a field of flowers with a crown of daisies on my head. But I didn't. I did in my fantasies, though.

The flyer was a job application for the "Akatsuki," whatever that was. I read on.

**Are you a pissed, homeless, and penniless misunderstood person? If that's the case, then this is the job for you! The Akatsuki, organized by some unknown fellow, assigns talented and handsome shinobis on missions to kill evildoers everywhere. **

_That _sounded a lot like me! I read on.

**We have individual rooms, complete with kitchens, bed, bathroom, shower, couch, and a plasma TV! **

I whistled. Plasma TV…not bad, not bad at all!

**We even have a swimming pool, spa, and sauna downstairs to have a relaxing stay at Akatsuki. Hurry up and join- this deal in a LIMITED TIME offer! **

**Contact info: 973. 666. 7777. **

The heavens finally opened up to me! I called the number and applied at once.

And that's how I got tangled up with the Akatsuki.

Spirits uplifted, a baggage of my clothes and belongings in one hand, and a cup of ramen in the other (I got addicted to it), I set my sights on the Akatsuki.

On my way to there, I heard many rumors about the cruelness of the organization and the eludeness of it. No one was said know where it was. How could a flyer have given me the exact coordinates to the place and no one knew where it was?

The look on my face was priceless when I saw the Akatsuki building. "I looked like a demented owl on crack", or so a passerby told me. _This _was the mysterious Akatsuki? For God's sake- it had a huge dazzling sign that read "AKATSUKI" in blinking red lights and pointed to the building. You had to be a drunk or plain stupid to miss it. Eh, I guess the world was filled with those.

I walked inside, prepared to find an unruly mess of a corporation but didn't expect this: it was totally _spotless_. I gawked in disbelief. Not a _speck_ of dirt anywhere. If there was, it was quickly terminated by a robot called "Sally," who I guessed was the janitor of the facility.

The floor and walls were made of white marble. A bright chandelier hung on the ceiling, casting a bright light everywhere. There were various foliage, a clerk was at his desk, typing on a computer diligently, a fountain made of pure gold produced fruit punch (I found that out later), a little bowl of candy- hell, there was even a miniature waterfall!

Putting that aside, I registered at the front desk and walked into the elevator, a card in my hand. In the elevator, I met a peculiar man named Orochimaru. He had black, slick long hair and a sinister look in his eye. I decided to make a conversation to lighten the mood.

"Is that real purple eye shadow?" I asked.

His eyes swiveled to me. "Yes…I hope you don't make fun of me or I would have to resort to ripping your throat out."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA. Calm down. Whoever said that? It's…(throw up) interesting..."

"You're new, aren't you?" He asked, and I nodded. "The name's Orochimaru. No last name."

"Uchiha Itachi, at your service." His eyes widened at my name.

"Uchiha Itachi? You mean that guy who slaughtered his entire clan mercilessly?"

I winced. I didn't want to be recognized as a murderer! It was an act of justice! "Yes…but it was only because they were evil, and I didn't kill _everyone_. I only left my younger brother-"

"Right, right." 'Orochimaru' said, unconvinced. Then he smirked. "You have quite a reputation here as a heartless, cruel, and diabolical ninja. Welcome to Akatsuki…I hope you enjoy your stay…" He suddenly gave me a _look_…and I felt the elevator was _small_. My stop came and I left. This Orochimaru fellow was…**creepy** in more ways than one.

I had a reputation here? As a heartless, cruel, and diabolical ninja! This was _not_ how I planned it to be. I wanted to be remembered as a kind, light-bringing shinobi who wouldn't even kill an innocent little child!

After getting settled in my room (I was fascinated with the bathroom, it was _so_ clean!), I decided I had to begin at once. Rome wasn't built in one day, or what the devil was that saying again…? Ah, forget it. I needed a mission and I needed one now. The world needed cleansing and it wasn't going to do it by itself!

But first…sleep! I snuggled into my new bed, my stuffed teddy bear named 'Aka-chan' in my hand.

If you steal it, I will kill you slowly, painfully, and mercilessly!

-

It was breakfast time, and I arose, ready for a day of hard-work. (Damn you, father! Now I'm working hard even though you're not alive!)

Getting my food, I had no idea where to sit. Fortunately, the problem unraveled itself as I was soon ushered by a curious-looking person…err…if you could even call it a person. I sat down and he immediately engaged in a conversation.

"I'm Kisame from the Rain country. I heard you're _the_ Uchiha Itachi, correct?"

"Yes…" I replied. "Why do you look like a shark?"

He let out a bloodcurdling laugh (I shuddered involuntarily) and replied. "I'm from the Hoshigake clan. We're born looking like this."

"I feel bad for you." I sympathized. I twitched, feeling someone staring at me. I knew who it was in an instant.

Kisame noticed it as well. "Why is Orochimaru staring at- Oh." He said it like it was the most obvious thing.

I gave him an annoyed look. "'Oh'?"

"_Oh_."

"Oh?"

"**_Oh_**."

"Oh?"

"**_OH_**."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

He smirked, and then cooed like a pig-tailed schoolgirl. "Looks like Orochimaru likes you…"

"What the- Oh." I said. I was immediately disgusted. "He's _gay_?" Kisame nodded.

Juuuuust PERFECT! My second day on the job and already I have a gay man after me! Juuuuuust _PERFECT_!

-

Today was a free day so I decided, being the overprotective brother that I am, would spy on dear younger brother's love life in Konoha.

I was perched on a tree, looking through a telescope, spying on foolish little brother and his friends. From what I collected, the blonde was the living vessel of Kyuubi, Uzumaki Naruto. The girl with- _PINK!_ – hair was Haruno Sakura. By the way she blushed at Sasuke, I knew immediately she liked him.

_Wonderful_! Dear little brother had a lover already! I wiped a happy tear from my eye. He's all grown up…I cackled giddily, _giddily_- NOT maliciously! See? People can cackle but not in an evil way! - but not too loud.

The only problem was that Sasuke seemed to flat-out dislike the girl. I couldn't blame him. I mean, the girl had _no_ shape AT ALL, her skills as a ninja were REVOLTING, and, she was a brat! Give her some time, sure, and she'll grow but now was a big NO-NO.

Still, I always loved a good matchmaking or two so I began my plan. Sasuke aka foolish little brother seemed oblivious I was watching him so I put my plan into action. To test his true feelings for the girl, all I had to do was get someone to like her, hopefully, a fellow rival. After much spying as a grocery passerby, an old man, a deaf woman, a gay pervert, and a cow, I collected enough rivals to initiate my plan.

There was this 'Hyuuga Neji' but I didn't think he would do well in _wooing_ Sakura. For God's sake- the stoic boy looked like he had a stick stuck up his ass and _stayed_ there! Of course, Sasuke didn't look any better but that wasn't the point.

Next was the thick-browed one. I was completely disgusted by his choice of attire, _green spandex_, and GOD…THE EYBROWS…the thickest ones I've ever seen! I threw him out the window.

There was also Shino, the one with the bugs. HELL. NO. Bugs. Ew. Gross.

Chouji, the fat one, ugh. Don't make me puke, please.

Shikamaru…too lazy. Extremely smart, especially for his age, but I swear he wouldn't even lift a finger if he had to go the bathroom. When nature's calling, you better go answer the call!

Kakashi…nah. That damn pervert!

Jiraiya…hmm…waaaay too old…besides, he was even more perverted than Kakashi.

I was going to choose Naruto, he would be perfect, but there was that Hyuuga girl after him…I decided not to get in the way of their _undying_ love.

Kankurou, that puppet-freak was a valid candidate…but those paintings on his face…what were they for! Covering his ugly face or a makeshift makeup? I'll shoot myself then let him try for Sakura!

There _was_ also Gaara, but he had that crazy demon inside of him…now what good would a plate of mutilated Sakura remains be?

After much thought (actually, I was watching cartoon network's Inuyasha at night. Love the ears! So cute…) and consideration, I chose the boy name Lee with the creepy eyebrows. My 2-year-old inner child cursed me to oblivion for even thinking the thought but oh well, he'll have to do.

My plan was initiated soon after. Lee hung all over Sakura but she would have none of it. She was totally infatuated with my brother. I had to give her credit for her stubbornness. It was actually kind of sweet…oh, the fluffiness of it all! Did I mention I'm a firm believer in love?

Phase two of my plan included a bunshin of me dressed as a monster to scare Sakura and make Sasuke become her 'knight in shining armor'. I was sure the plan would work…then again, not everything went according to plan with the Uchiha massacre, either. I was watching the ENTIRE thing from a top of a tree, disguised as a bird. It was ABSOLUTE. TOTAL. CHAOS. Sakura _did_ scream for Sasuke, who came running to her. Everything was going fine until my bunshin slipped on a root and disappeared in a poof. The costume was left and Sakura fainted, right into a blushing Sasuke's arms. It didn't work out as I had planned, but it proved one theory. Sasuke house _some_ feelings for the girl.

Hmm…maybe I should have given the bunshin some ballet lessons beforehand?

The rest of my plans for dear foolish little brother were foiled and I have no intention of repeating the failures.

The break was finished and I left Konoha with a heavy heart. But next time, dear brother, I will be back! I_ will_ finish what I started and get you to fall in love with your cherry blossom or my name isn't Uchiha Itachi!

Which brings me back to the beginning. Do you still think I'm a heartless, evil bastard? After all I told you in _my_ point of view? _My_ side of the story? If you want a heartless, evil bastard, take Orochimaru! He's even gay! But I'm not evil, just trying to cleanse the world of it. I'm just a simple Uchiha trying to become a full-time matchmaker, one couple at a time!

You probably thought I would kill my foolish little brother, right? Well, YOU THOUGHT WRONG! All I did was visit Sasuke and just _happen_ to see him with Sakura and decided, 'why not be their matchmaker?' The thought was too tempting.

You probably thought I said, "Oh, what the hell, I'll let them live in ignorant bliss for a few more years before I return to crush their happiness once and for all"?

YOU THOUGHT WRONG!

I. AM. NOT. EVIL!

Villains are mistreated. Not ALL villains are evil…I'M a fighter with a mission for peace in the world! What's so evil about that! Sure, I killed a few- who am I kidding, MILLIONS of people, bring some destruction wherever I go, I'm an S-rank criminal wanted for many GOOD crimes, and I do enjoy the OCCASIONAL hangovers, complete with strip poker, texas hold 'em games, and couple glasses of sake, BUT I'm not evil. Whoever said that?

You'll never know someone without putting yourself in THEIR shoes…you heard my side of the story so you should be convinced I'm not the diabolical, sexy, cold-hearted bastard everyone aims me to be. The sexy part is right though…I was TEN times and still running top model for the Shinobi's Most Sexiest Model magazine!

You want an evil villain? Take Orochimaru. HE'S the evil one…and GAY too. Kill him if you want, he's after my younger brother's body! How GROSS is that! AND he wants to take over Konoha. AND he's GAY! Not that I have anything against gay people or anything, just STAY AWAY FROM ME.

I hope I got this message clear, cut, and straight: I, UCHIHA ITACHI, AM NOT AN EVIL BASTARD WHO KILLED HIS CLAN FOR A HEARTLESS REASON.

…don't believe me? I'll pay you a visit…with my trusty sword I killed a blacksmith for, couple of strings, my Sharingan, a bowl of ramen (that's some good stuff!), some hungry sharks, and a gay Orochimaru…

Don't know what I'll do? Use your imagination.

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SA: LOL! I hope I got a couple of good laughs out of you readers...it was fun writing this story, but I did it pretty fast so I DON'T expect a lot of reviews. Probably just..a couple 100…PLEASE? (puppy pout face)

Naruto cast: AAHHH! (shields their eyes) MUST…RESIST…PUPPY FACE…!

SA: MWAHAHAAA! Can't resist, ne?

REVIEW ONEGAI!


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